SATIRE: Escaped prisoner missing in outer space

Ryan O’Henry, 22, was declared missing yesterday morning after officials at Space Camp™ could not find him anywhere on their premises.

O’Henry was convicted last year on three counts of theft after stealing minivans full of Girl Scout Cookies. Space Camp™ Space Warden, Atlas Thunderbolt, said he saw him up to the moon personally as the first shipment of prisoners was sent into orbit.

“We do six counts of the prisoners each day, and you best believe I was the first person to notice that the prisoner was missing,” Thunderbolt said.

Thunderbolt said Space Camp™ was the first to pioneer the Behavioral Adjustment & Rehabilitation System (BARS), reportedly geared to ease the psychological burden of being in a weightless environment.

The process involves taking prisoners to a paneled viewing port and letting their situation sink in. They are then told to meditate for the span of 45 minutes, floating in their cell.

“My favorite part about this place is that it’s too expensive to bring them back, and with BARS in place why would they even want to?” Thunderbolt said.

With limited space and places to hide, the general public is in a state of perpetual shock about this sudden disappearance. Astronaut, Vic Hume, is less convinced.

“You’d think they thought the sky was falling,” Hume said. “The guards must‘ve been pretty spaced out to let something this obvious eclipse them.”

Satellites attempted to locate any unfamiliar objects, in hopes of finding a body, around the facility. However, the mass amounts of space debris, mainly trash and feces, inhibited any location functionalities the satellite had at its disposal. Space Camp™ had no comment about the debris.

According to Thunderbolt, the entire facility has been stripped, scrubbed, and dubbed empty of its missing occupant.

“We’ve been having face-to-face interviews with the inmates to get some much-needed intel, but so far, everyone’s coming to us starry-eyed,” Thunderbolt said.

Research reports from Space Camp™’s finest researchers have come back with statistics of retention rates reaching 99.99999 percent. This is a new high for prisons located beyond earth’s atmosphere, statistically speaking. Research also bolsters a 97 percent satisfaction rate among prisoners after eating Freeze Dried Ice Cream.

Space Camp™ is home to some of the most dastardly convicts the United States has to offer. The complex is situated on the dark side of the moon. Its creation would have been impossible without investors such as Mon O’poly, Big Rich and Dick Banks.

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